(AD) ADUD 29 BOUTIQUE

Hi peeps! It's been a while since i post endorsements in my blog but this one is very special because it's owned by my honey bunny sweety Cyncyn <3

 

So her online shop is called "ADUD 29 BOUTIQUE" which just started recently and they're selling the now-trending 'drawstring bags'. I personally love to use backpacks instead of the typical ladies handbags and purses which my mom actually complained and wished that i would change change my style asap LOL

Anyway here are some of the samples of their backpacks (there are many more)!

 

They are currently accepting orders until June 23rd so before the pre-order is closed, hurry and start ordering yours now! If you're interested in buying or have any inquiries, you may contact Cynthia via  LINE or WhatsApp - details are in the attached picture below :)

 

I'm getting one for myself and i cannot wait until i get mine hehe 

have fun shopping!

XOXO

Raffles: A Chapter to Remember

WARNING: THIS POST IS GOING TO BE VERY LENGHTY. EXPLICIT LANGUAGE USED.

11th of June was my graduation day while 13th of June was my last prom night. So with those, my education years in RCS have ended. Three years have passed and i’ve finally made it until the very last end.

I still remember how clueless i was at the end of grade 9 when i had to look for a senior high school prior to graduating junior high. Out of nowhere my parents told me to look for an international school in Jakarta and i had no idea which school to apply to. So i had a few options and out of those, RICS was one of them yet RICS was actually my last choice lol. Despite the costly fees of most international school, somehow my parents chose RICS considering that the price was relatively cheaper and it’s the nearest to my house. Then i thought RICS wouldn’t be so bad since they have really nice uniform (like the Korean style lol). Even since i was still in primary, i was already familiar with RICS from looking at huge ad poster near my lesson place and also some of the people from my lesson. In addition, i had personally known some people who were RICS alumni such as my brother’s friends and my friends from previous high school and they gave me good reviews so with no doubt, my parents applied me to that school.

It was not a direct admission though, i had to take the entrance test which consisted of English and Math. Meh, English was just a piece of cake but the math.. holy shit what kind of alien work that i had to solve. I was already suck in math, no, i am always suck in math so as expected i couldn’t do anything other than writing nonsense even tho i was allowed to use calculator (it was totally unexpected and in the end i used my phone calculator lol). Not too long after the test, the result came out and of course i failed the math test and i had to redo it. Guess what?  Even after my second test, i still failed and they gave me another chance and some time to prepare for the math test. So my parents bought me a Cambridge math book and even asked my brother’s friend to give me a math lesson every Saturday. It took me another month to prepare for the test and when the D-Day came, even when i thought that i was a bit more prepared, i still couldn’t do it well. As a result, i still failed the math test yet they actually accepted me as a Secondary 4 student with one condition that if i was not able to catch up with the studies then i had to go to Secondary 3 (which also means repeating another year for me).

Okay, before i officially became a RICS student, i had big expectations in which i wanted to be the “cool kid” who can make a lot of friends and be popular. On the first day of school, i was totally out of my comfort zone and overwhelmed with the brand new environment that’s gonna be my new home. I came from a national school where i did not converse in English at all, meanwhile starting on that day, i had to speak in English all the time to everyone. Fine, i guess my English was not that bad but my confidence was. I thought it was gonna be easy making friends on the first day of school but it turned out to be a major flop. Everyone basically had their own squad to hang out with so it was very awkward for me to blend in with any of them. I did try talking with some people but meh it was just a pointless chit chat. So i was literally an outcast for about the first two terms at school. Oh, and the curriculum there was totally different with what i’ve learned in my previous school. Well, duh it’s Cambridge what did i expect.

Making friends was hard and so was catching up with the lessons. I did struggle at some point in class but somehow i managed to keep up with the tests and assignments and actually my results were not bad at all (except math and accounting – crap). Although sometimes i still had difficulties in socializing with people that even i had to spend almost every break time just to stay in class or eat sneakily somewhere.. haha those were my miserable moments that i could never forget. Yet, day by day, i tried to talk more, maybe one day i would talk only to one person then the next day i would try to hangout with some other people. I found socializing very awkward but i had to do something if i want some changes. Then i started to make friends with some people who had same interests with me and i just spent more time with them which eventually made us closer. It’s only until term 3 that i finally had some “friends” in school. I was still pretty much in contact with my old friends.

There were times that i was actually a victim of bully and there were rumours going around the school about me. It was unpleasant and depressing af, what the hell i was not even close with anyone lol. But i tried to stay strong like my mom always told me “don’t be afraid if you know that you did nothing wrong”. So after sometimes, i managed to keep myself cool and eventually karma hit that bitch (yea right).

But then things got harder when it was time for IGCSE preparation. I had to do time trials until late, do past papers everyday, and so many tests. I was very tired and my results were not that great. I got really stressed out to the point that i was making a paradox. I thought to myself that maybe if i didn’t get into RICS from the start and go to a national school then maybe my life would have a better outcome. I could imagine how many friends that i would have, how it would be much easier for me to catch up with the studies, how i could be involved in many school activities and extra curricular, etc. Well, all i could do was just dreaming. Of course it was too late for me to change route.

By the time that IGCSE came, i really didn’t take it seriously and thought that it was easy to get A considering that my mock exam results were okay. So i didn’t really study hard and just put “enough” effort that i think would give me good results. How stupid i was, the results that i received was even worse than expected. Sigh.. i thought that IGCSE is kinda useless for me anyway.

At the end of sec 4, i finally got a bit comfortable with my “new family” and even though i was not really a part of any squad (like i was still an outcast) but at least it’s safe to say that at least i could genuinely talk and blend in with (almost) anyone. So that was pretty much a win-win situation for me huh. Tbh i was the closest with the Japanese girls (they’re the ones who actually approached me since the first day of school <3) then the foreigners and lastly Indonesians (idek why lol).

Okay, moving on.

I passed sec 4 and i continued to Junior College 1. A year has gone by and it was another year for me in RICS. Sadly, many of my friends and other students left before and during JC1. Yet, several new students came in and joined the RICS family. I still remember how i tried to make friends with the new students and relate to them for “being the new kid” but they were doing fine without me and even better lolol so embarrassed of my (old) self. Hey it’s not bad to try and be nice with other people right? Actually i got much better and happier during my JC1 year compared to my sec 4. I had some good friends to hangout with regularly (got my own squad ftw) and got less awkward with other people as well. I tried to be close to as many people as i could even tho with only a small chat. I guess things got better for me and i got much more involved in school activities. Although i was still “no one” in school haha but i was fine with it as long as i could be happy myself i didn’t even care to be someone popular or not.

But there was one memory in which i felt like shit during my JC1 year. As you know, previously i was in a relationship with this guy that i’ve been close with since sec 4 but unfortunately he moved as soon as we graduated sec 4 so we were in long distance relationship up to more than one year. There were so much drama going on between us and a “third party”. I was completely crazy in love and we were such a lovey dovy during our honeymoon months until shit happened and he decided to break up with me at our 100th day. I broke down in tears, cried a river, my heart was literally hurting and i got sick until i didn’t even come to school for a few days. Yeap, that’s how bad broken heart can be and it was legit real.

Anyway, one of the most hilarious memories that i could recall would be that we were such a bunch of shit students at school, especially my class JC1C. Lol so literally we had the smart kids, the cool kids, the ‘no-one’ kids, the gossip girls, the pretty girls, and the ‘idgaf’ kids. I still have no idea how could i pass JC1 when always played with my phone in almost every classes (and so did most of the rest) not to mention that it was “okay” for us to use our phone during tests and teachers  barely gave any fucks lolol. And i always bought rice and chicken nuggets (from different food stalls) almost every single day. Even my friends freaking complained how consistently unhealthy i was LOL.

Yeah, so things were pretty much okay during my JC1 year and again i didn’t take my studies too seriously and JC1  was the year in which i was pretty much fooling around.

I thought that i would stick around until i finish JC2 in PI campus but after JC1 i had a major change in my life. Because my dad wanted me to apply to UI in which i had to prepare for the entrance test with Indonesian curriculum, so i had to take extra lesson every week to catch up with the materials. Back then i was thinking that it would be difficult for me to manage my time in dividing time for A levels and Ujian Nasional so i thought instead of going to JC2, maybe it would be better for me to join GAC since they are more into projects and assignments plus, NO EXAM. Actually i have always wanted to take GAC but i thought my dad wouldn’t agree with me. After a simple discussion with my dad, the idea of joining GAC was actually approved by my dad and he wanted me to contact the school immediately.

So after i applied to the tutor place, i called RICS and told one of the staffs that i wanted to move to GAC instead of doing JC2. Then the surprise came in. The GAC program is no longer available in PI campus and if i insist on taking GAC, then i would have to go to KJ campus. That time i was completely shocked and had no idea what to choose.. just right after i’ve felt comfortable in PI campus, now i gotta move again to another campus? Not to mention that Kebon Jeruk is far away from my house (south to west Jakarta).

I was in dilemma at first but after i talked about it with my parents, they actually had little to no problem about it and not long after that, i was admitted to the KJ campus with all my documents ready to be transferred there. This turning point never crossed in my mind not even once, even i didn’t even dare to publicly inform my PI friends about it. So i had to deal with it and prepare for the best or worst..

Starting from August 2015 onward, my life was about to change a lot. I had to wake up so much earlier in the morning, i had to join the school car everyday and i had to sacrifice my weekends for lessons, meaning that i didn’t get much chance to hangout with my friends. Just thinking about it already made me feel worn out. But then i kept on telling myself to do my best on my last year and don’t be such a slack like i used to be.

On the first day of GAC, i had some expectations but not too much cause i didn’t want to feel disappointed just in case they became another flop. My first impression was KJ campus is very small with little number of students, teachers and staffs. It was not a problem for me cause i actually like smaller environment. My class itself only consists of 6 people, including me. I was quite surprised at first but i really liked my class even on the first day of school. Little did i know was that 4 of them were also students from PI campus before they moved to KJ campus just like me but with different reasons.

Learning from my past, i didn’t wanna repeat the same situation like my first day in PI campus so i tried to interact with my new classmates right away and i tried to act as confident as possible in front of new people in order to create a good first impression. It turned out to be much better than expected! They all welcomed me warmly and they’re all really friendly towards me. It’s like them giving me a green light and from that day onward, i became friends with them in no time.

GAC Level 1 was very fun. They had completely different curriculum and lessons. We had communication skills and study skills classes in which we pretty much learned “social and study skills” and no tests or exams, just logical thinking. The teachers are awesome! They taught us in the most interactive ways and they could relate to their students most of the time, giving us “teacher+friend approach”. Level 1 was indeed our best moment because we had so much leisure time, easy going classes and we got to get to know each other nicely like playing games, going out and traveling together. We were so united as a class and even the school knew about it (?).

It was all fun and games until things started to change as time went  by.. due to some conflicts our class couldn’t stick together as a whole and the unity was soon divorced. As a result, poop squad was born! Yes, my dorkiest-most random-weirderst-funniest-trippiest-squad ever! I’m not saying that we’re making somekind of gang but that’s just how things work in our class because there are only 6 of us. Anyway, this new squad is da bomb!  Hahaha they really are one of my most amazing and special friends that i ever have. These people really changed me a lot as a person and my life also. Everyday was spent with jokes and random talks about guys, food, puppies and even gross stuffs. We shared food to each other almost every day, and there were times in which we switched food with one another or just ordered for fast food delivery. WE LOVE EATING YASS. We love food so much that we always planned on going out just to eat lol. Then Christy would make a vlog from our trips. AAND we take soo many selfies. I was always in charge of taking pictures of whatever we do or wherever we go and publish them on facebook. My facebook has become my journal since i move to KJ, because i always post everything whenever we had some events going on haha i have potentials to be a great PR rite.

At first i was only fond of my classmates but day by day, i got closer with teachers and students from other grades too! They are all very friendly and it was such a pleasure getting to know each one of them because they are just that awesome! Since KJ campus is small in size, our community is quite small also but that means we are much more united. There was little to no awkwardness among each other and i really enjoyed all the good times that i had with every single students and teachers even though i’m not personally close with them.

Meanwhile, as the school term changed, GAC became much more difficult every level. In Level 2 and 3 there were no such thing as “time for leisure” because shit is about to get real. Yeah, our lessons were filled with more theories, a lot of readings, and a pile of assignments for every subject. Plus our assessment events that we had to deal with; either presentation, oral test, written test and the worst, reports and essays. There were times in which we had to stayback at school until late just to catch up with the AE deadlines. My sleeping hours were greatly reduced and i had little to no rest almost everyday just to finish my assignments on time. Not to mention with my super busy schedule, i had to manage my time for studying national curriculum and working on my assignments. I was pressurized with school and also my parents, because they expect me to do well for each.

Level 3 was hell for me though. It was one of the toughest phases in my life so far. Why? Because in level 3 we had shorter time to finish the whole time plus we had to do Ujian Nasional and my extra lesson schedule was changed from weekends to 6 days a week. Maybe you can imagine how much pressure that i went through, even i wrote a post regarding this. Not to sound arrogant but people know that i’m a top student and that i’m capable of going to UI if i really work hard on it. But what they don’t know is that i’m not perfect and that i’m actually not that good. I’m still a teenager with a lot of issues, not only with school but also with my family, friends and other relationships. So i had some major depression moments that i already cried at school for more than 3 times and for countless times at school. I thought of giving up some times after the hardships that i had to deal with. No one actually knew about it, didn’t intend to let people know since it’s very personal but yeah.. just because someone looks perfectly fine, that doesn’t always mean that they are strong on the inside. Because even the “perfect” person could have so many flaws and insecurities.

Anyway, my squad was always ready to cheer me up and i also had my teachers who were always there to support me. I really appreciate how much they actually care about me when i though that i was no good for them. Now i feel so loved, thank you very much.

Another year was about to pass and i wanted to make something memorable for the school before i graduate for real. So i came up with the Senior Year 2016 Project in which my classmates and i planned to sell symbolic hoodies and t-shirts for teachers, students and staffs. It was just a rough plan and we tried to make it happen, so it did. We managed to make our own designs, look for the vendors, and managed the distribution process. Although it was not all that smooth, eventually it was a success and we have contributed some profit for donations. I am very proud of our work and it was an impressive experience for the sake of my learning and career too.

Overall, i dearly love KJ campus so much and it was quite hard for me to leave the school because almost everyone has left a warm impression in me. I just couldn’t stop taking pictures with everyone on the last day of school haha oh and we even have notes on our wall where anyone can write us a message for the GAC people. Moving to KJ has given major changes in my life that i believe have made me a better student, friend and person.i would never ever regret moving to KJ campus and it’s definitely one of the best turning points of my life.

Now that i’m already graduated from RCS, i feel a bit sad and happy at the same time. I was no one and i had many gloomy memories at first but as time went by, i learned, i tried to be stronger and wiser, i pushed myself to do more and be someone better, then at the end, i had found a new home and another family that i belong to, and i found joy.  Something that i really wanted to get rid of has turned to something that i dearly treasure. All the memories, experiences and knowledge, i am truly grateful to what the school and its community have done to me.

No matter how many bad moments that i had in my story, they won’t change the ending and the fact that i survived. I may not have a nice start, but i had a great ending. And maybe this is what God had planned for me, all the hardships that i’ve experienced are actually what made me a wiser person now.

A Letter for That Special Someone: The Best of Both Worlds

i was sad, he was sad, i am sad.. still..

yes you're right, i have made such a bitch move throwing shades at you. but just like you, how can i keep things that have been bothering me within myself. you didn't even respond to my texts anymore and now i have no one to share with about my thoughts. so just like the olden days, i am writing to express my feelings and thoughts.

i didn't intentionally mean to roast someone but good thing that you noticed without me having to tell you directly. and finally you responded. what a great response i would say. i really appreciate your explanation and clarifications regarding stuffs that i probably misunderstood. as i finished reading your messages, i choose not to reply. why? because i don't want to make any problems with you, we have ended a few months ago so what's the use of arguing some more. i hardly trust you anymore, and probably so are you. yet, i still want to stay in good terms with you.

oh well, i loved you and i know you loved me more, maybe. but sometimes no matter how good you are, it all can't change my perspective when there is too much negativity going on. this goes the same with trust, once a trust is broken, you can't really gain it back 100%.

now, let's stop blaming one another. i will take responsibility for my faults and i don't expect you to do the same - as long as you maintain this situation maturely. i am not perfect, not even close. i make mistakes and stupid decisions. i may not be the innocent good girl you have always imagined but one thing i want to clarify (from my side), i have always loved you and not even once i hook up with another guy even while i was still with you.

i gotta say that i'm not as good as you think and i'm no longer that nice. making up is probably not the best option that we have right now. i'm sure you don't want also. i guess we can no longer make each other happy like before and we know that we deserve someone much better. what's the use of having a relationship when it's filled with worries, fears, loneliness, jealousy and no trust. sure we had abundance of happy and loving moments but to be very honest, i had more sadness compared to that. and it's not completely your fault. my insecurities played a major part in that too.

you may believe me or not. it's really up to you whether you choose to listen to me or someone else. truth is, i still love you. no matter how many times the words "i don't love him anymore" came out of my mouth, my heart still held on to the same old feeling. but i have no idea who said that i didn't love you for real cause even my friends know that i still love you, they said it's quite obvious and people can see it. well, your shirts, perfume, and the flowers that you gave me are still in my room until now. i even wear your shirt whenever i couldn't sleep. it's a nice pajama i admit haha

anyway, you may think that i'm such a bitch (i admit that what i wrote few days ago is kind of a bitch move). yet, i really wanna stay in good terms with you. doesn't matter if we can't meet anymore or whatever. yes, we probably look at each other with different mindsets now but one thing for sure is that all the good times that we had, they're legitimately real. well, at least that's what i felt. i don't want you to think that i'm trying to get rid of you in a harsh way, so i'm trying to say this in the most mature way possible.

you're correct though, i have no rights to say that you're an asshole.. therefore, i want to thank you for being there to listen my rants, accept my flaws, understand my dark sides, when you tried to cheer me up during my lowest days and for loving me for who i am.

so.. i wish you a happy, better life. even though we can no longer be together, but i always wish you all the best. i still love you, i always do because you're really someone special in my life. i apologize for whatever things i did that hurt you. i don't want to make you sad or upset anymore so do what makes you happy. meanwhile i'm going to get myself back together again.

PS: some people may wonder why am i still keeping our pictures together in my instagram. oh well, just to let you people know that whenever you try to delete something, it doesn't really disappear from existence because memories are permanent. even though i want to delete everything, no matter what, the memories remain forever. i'm proud to say that you were once part of my life, we had our own story but perhaps this is the end.. or to be continued, maybe? but certainly not now haha

btw, you don't have to respond to this one but i hope you can understand what i'm trying to tell you and that my intentions are good :)

-with love, Melmel.

21/May/2016

Moving On

i didn't even intend to post anything on my blog now but yeah i just can't hold the urge to write right now haha at least i'm updating this poor blog.

so i was just scrolling through my ask.fm after leaving that site for months now. and of course other than questions from anonymous who asked me to post a picture of my armpit, there was another shocking thing that i saw.. after months of cutting contact with each other, just now he appeared on my timeline out of nowhere from someone else's account. not really surprised looking at him taking picture with another girl, partying in club and smoking and shit (not literally ya hahaha ew). okay, not a really big deal since i have moved on fyi.

oh right, for those who don't know about it yet, i was in a long-distance-relationship with this guy for more than 1 year then shit happened (a lot of times actually lol) and i just couldn't stand it anymore so we broke up sometime around this early 2016.

to be very honest, i might sound like i'm making a fuss about it right now but really, it's all like what i expected. he's 'that' kind of guy and i'm glad that i'm no longer with him cause i really felt like i was too innocent and blinded by love until i got fooled so easily. i was dumb enough to believe everything he told me, like "i'll be a good boy just for you" that means no smoking, drinking, flirting, whatever. but meh, as i grow older, i soon realized how naive i was.

have you ever heard the saying "good girls are just bad girls who are not caught". yep, i can relate to that and people say relationship is based on trust. yea, i can relate to that too. so the thing that probably kept us together that long was trust and how good we were at hiding things. as you know we were in two different places in two different time zones. anything can happen and neither of us won't even know what kind of shitty things we do behind each others' backs.

oh well, like i said before, i'm not so surprised anymore, it's all expected.

now i just have to make sure not to get myself blinded and fooled by such 'bad-but-good-but-bad' guys so easily. i deserve someone much better and this goes the same to all of you who probably have experienced that kind of situation: love yourself more and don't ever let anyone takes you for granted.

and for you, i have lost faith in you. i might still love you, probably. but i gotta love myself and respect myself more over someone like you. this is probably one of the best decisions i have made in my life.. so.. i am moving on and i choose not to go back again.

thanks for everything tho. you've made me a stronger and wiser lady.

PS: now that i know you're such a real asshole, let me confess my (brutally) honest thoughts about you. the only thing attractive from you is probably just your physique (excluding your face). you used to look quite fine with that old hairstyle of yours, yea i really like it. but now that you've changed your hairstyle. your hair looks shit, what a major turn off. that's actually a great way to help me move on faster. LOL i'm gonna chuckle on this one.

"courage, dear heart"
19/May/2016

my biggest insecurities..

so.. i don't really know how to pull this off and it's been quite a while since the last time i posted something on my blog.. anyway, i am writing this as a form of expression and appreciation about what's been going through my life lately.

April has been a tough month for me.. some people who know me personally would know that i'm having quite a hard time nowadays due to several problems..

April 14th 2016, one of the days in which i went through mental and emotional breakdown. did i mention "one of the days"? yeah right, i've been having hard times dealing with myself, trying to survive and live each day from multiple problems that i have to face. i think i did write about my issue regarding this, that most of the time i might look fine and happy but you'll never know if i'm actually just struggling to stay strong when in fact, i'm not fine at all. day by day, problems come and go, some are really serious, some are small but i tend to exaggerate. well, what can i say.. i'm actually very sensitive and emotional, it's just that i don't want to show it off to people and act like a crybaby.

basically, as the Ujian Nasional ended, just like most indonesian students right now, we are preparing for the entrance test to enroll to some of the public universities. however, unlike those who are having their freedom of school, i still have to finish my GAC international program which ends in June. obviously, while continuing my international curriculum, i also need to intensively prepare for the test in early June. with that being said, from April 18th, my bimbel schedule (tutor lesson) will become 6 days a week from Monday to Saturday from 4.30 - 8 PM (before it was only Friday & Saturday). do note that i still have to go to school from 7AM until 3PM, not to mention the number of assignments (presentations, reports, essays, tests) that i need to submit. just imagine how hectic my schedule will be for a month. i barely have enough time to take a shower, have dinner, do my homework and rest. plus, you know that i'm such a sleepyhead (i take power naps everyday after school for 30mins) so with my naps taken away, i need to get enough sleep of at least 6 hours. usually i would sleep by 11PM the latest cause i have to wake up at 5AM every morning. 

oh right, let's talk about the date which i mentioned above..
it was a normal Thursday, the sky was bright and the sun gave us warm rays of light.. some students were having their exams while as always my class would have a pile of assignments to do. we did our classes, worked on our reports and my squad and i shared food during break time. yea, it was just another day at school.. until something happened..

(not gonna talk about much details here ok) a sudden announcement came out that the whole class will have to take the ACT examination on June 11 which is my graduation day. although it's actually not compulsary, the school wants us to still take the opportunity considering that there is no fee charged. they said that it doesn't really matter whether you're going to pass or fail as what matters is the experience and certificate. yet, in my case, if my scores look bad then my parents are going to blame and question me. well, i guess you know about my situation now that i mentioned it before. so, i said that i might not take the ACT because i don't necessarily need it anyway since i will do my university in Indonesia. besides, i don't have enough time to prepare for it - i barely have enough time to finish my assignments on time. but then, they were kind of persuading and forcing me in a soft way so that i have no right to oppose their suggestions. there it goes.. i could do nothing other than nodding my head for whatever they said while staring at my desk blankly.

my switch was flipped and my-so-called-bipolar came out as i shut down with a bitch face on all of sudden. for the next 2 hours, with 2 different teachers, they both were asking the same thing "what happened to you?" not only them, my friends were looking worried and asking if i was okay. but at that time, i didn't respond to anyone and just continued doing my report without saying a word. then during lunch break, i went to the counseling room to talk about my problems - at least that's the only thing i could do to relieve my stress. 30 minutes was not enough and i stayed there for another 10 minutes after the bell rang. until, i sensed that some teachers were probably looking for me around the school and they told me to go back to class and continue with my lesson. that's when i broke down in tears..

i came back to class and as soon as i sat down, i couldn't lift my head and tears started falling down my eyes. i cried silently cause i didn't wanna make such drama since everyone was seriously working on their science report. tears dripping down one by one from my eyes to my chin and dropped on my shirt and phone screen that i was holding.. i didn't realize that i cried so much until my nose was stuffed with all the mucus slime and i had to wipe it off with my hand (ew gross, i know). no one seemed to care, everyone just continued with their own work but i didn't really mind that, cause i never wanted to be such an attention seeker. i stayed still for literally 1 hour and 30 minutes, blank stare, head's down, no movement other than my nails scratching off the skin of my hands. at one point, i probably creeped the hell out of my classmates and teachers.

so where's the problem? where did it go wrong?
i guess some people might not see any problem there, or probably some do but they think that it's not something to be upset about. well, for some reason, it is quite a huge deal for me..

it has not happened yet, but here are some of the worst case scenarios that could possibly happen to me in a range of one month.
first of all, people expect much from me, most people see me as a bright student with decent grades. consequently, i have to do well in my studies and keep up with my academic performance. the next thing is, my parents demand me to make them proud with "-perfect scores" and to get accepted by University of Indonesia. here's when i feel that all the pressure is on me.

if you notice, things are clashing here and there. with my super hectic schedule, i would be having hard times to manage my time for both GAC and uni prep (not to mention that they are completely different curriculums: Australian and Indonesian smh). in this case, GAC is more into assignments while the uni prep will involve a lot of practice paper and memorizing stuffs. with only a few hours of break in-between, imagine how am i gonna deal with two completely different things and manage to ace in both.. i know it's possible, but it's surely not easy.

the best thing i can do now is to focus on my current priority which is the uni prep (it matters more cause since i will be having my UN results, honestly i'm not gonna use the GAC certificate once i'm accepted in local universities). moreover, i was not familiar with the grade 10-12 national curriculum considering that i only get to learn it since last August but thank god i managed to keep up with most of them.

the worst case that could happen for this:
i don't have enough time to work on my assessments, thus producing poor outcomes with my grades falling. teachers are going to chase me every time i'm late when it comes to submission and asking why are my performances decreasing (i was a top student) - then i have to explain the same story to every one of the teachers about my situation. oh and of course my parents are going to question me the same thing + possible complaints.

or, if i focus more on my GAC + ACT then i might not be able to perform maximally for my uni prep. hence, if i'm not accepted by University of Indonesia, my parents will question me again. although, it is more understandable that getting into UI is like counting on luck. yet, i know that if i really put my effort and do my best then of course there is a high chance of getting accepted.

or, if i do half-half on both then my GAC scores will be screwed and i also fail big time for that UI entrance test.

another thing is that.. no one seemed to understand how much pressure that i'm going through.. i don't wanna disappoint anyone but it's also very hard on me to meet their expectations perfectly.

secondly, some people know me as an introvert some people know me as an extrovert. in this case, i'm not really that close with my family and to be very honest, i don't have any close relationship with my family members (parents nor siblings). it's quite hard for me cause i'm not able to share my stories or feelings to them because most of the time they are just going to scold me or do some preaching which are not constructing at all. i be like, "why should i tell them when they're just going to scold me anyway..". in addition, back in high school i indirectly suffered from bullying and there were times that i felt like i didn't have anyone that i could count on.. this has been going on since i was in secondary and that's when i started to develop my depression and bipolar issues.

i'm a very sensitive and emotional person. for instance, such things that hurt my feelings/are against my will/offend me can change my whole mood or impression towards you. once it gets really bad, i can literally think of hurting someone, wishing ill towards others and at times, suicidal. i'm not even kidding, cause i attempted suicide a few times when i was younger. the latest attempt i could remember was last year when i tried to strangle myself by wrapping cables around my neck, i did suffocate, i could feel the veins on my neck pumping really hard then i stopped everything. a proof of this is a writing on my wall which i wrote with a marker on that day - saying "I AM NOT THAT STUPID OKAY", although i tried to erase it with nail polish remover, the stains are still there.

when i'm in my depression state, i can do crazy stupid stuffs without even thinking twice. i can literally hurt people physically (never happened - i can, but i try my best not to) or verbally (which i do most of the time). either by cursing, trash talk, insults, whatever shit stuffs you can think of can come out of my mouth or hands (texting) and this usually results in the relationship being ruined.

back then when i was younger, i couldn't hold myself most of the time which often left some people a "bad memory with Melrose". so as i grow older, i try to control my own emotions. although the bad thoughts and feelings are still there, i know that they are temporary, thus why should i do something stupid when that problem won't even matter later on. so instead of lashing out my anger frontally, the best thing i can do is just to stay away from people, be alone and try to reflect and calm myself down - this way i can reduce the risk of hurting others. usually i do this best by locking myself in my room, write down my thoughts or just take a long sleep. so please understand when i need my personal time, that includes me not verbally responding to anyone.

sometimes, talking with other people works as well. but now i notice that you can not trust just anyone. people might want to listen to your problems because either they really care or just curious. another fact is that everyone judges one another (both positively and negatively). most of the time, when i'm really having a hard time, i would talk to one or three of my good friends that i really trust. so please bear with me if i don't want to open up with my problems..

lastly, i tend to overthink a lot. i am a very pessimistic person at times. i think negatively towards things that are actually good for me but i care more about my ego and self-desires. then at the end of the day, i would feel guilty for being upset and blame myself for everything. every time i'm having "that" kind of bad day, this thought always comes up.

help, i have done it again
been here many times before
hurt myself again today
there's no one else to blame
and the worst part is
no one knows how much i cried

sigh.. i can't think of anything else for now. i guess i have written long enough about my gloomy thoughts today but, oh well.. just to let you know that even the happiest person can have their bad days. who knows if that one person who is full of smile and laughter you see at school goes home crying for the rest of the day. who knows if that one perfect someone can have many insecurities.

after reading this post, you would probably think that i'm such a psychopath or mentally disturbed, you might be scared or cautious the next time you're with me or you may think that i'm too much or self-claimed victim of depression but this is just the harsh truth of my life.. whether i/you like it or not, this is still me, and there's nothing much i can do about it for now other than staying strong and surround myself with more positivity.

anyway, special thanks to those who tried to cheer me up after what happened today.. your actions really mean a lot to me.. i appreciate your care and - trust me that deep inside of my most true self, all i want is for everyone to be happy and everything to be in the right place..

i love you cyncyn <3

so this is my life, and i want you to know that i am both happy and sad and i am still trying to figure out how that could be..