(not) okay

- this post was made from a compilation of my personal notes from 21st, 23rd, 25th of February 2017 -

she looks fine and bubbly as ever. but really, no one knows how much pain she feels on the inside. not just physically but also mentally and emotionally. just when she left the stage, that bright face of hers turned to a frowning face with a blank stare.

it's way past my bed time..

feeling sleepy yet i'm wide awake.

alone with all of the depressing thoughts. about what's wrong with me and what went wrong with my life..

just when i thought that life was about to get better, it all started to fall apart. again. i swear things were about to be fine.. just when i thought that life would get so much better, i still end up feeling depressed.. even during days in which i supposedly feel fine.

i swear i was doing okay. i was doing so much better. i made so much progress. i was almost even happy. i don't know what happened. something went wrong. and i gotta face depression again. i don't know when it happened, but i started losing control of myself again..

surrounded with many friends yet i still feel lonely. or is it because i'm just not anyone special to them..?

i guess hanging out and spending so much time with a group of friends are not enough to make "real friends". cause in the end i guess i'm not anyone worth considering. or perhaps i'm the one who expects too much from people? thus, in the end i'm the one who gets hurt again..

i wonder what did i do wrong to get treated this way.. i thought i've done my best to be a good friend and be as nice as possible..?

now i just feel sad. awful and disappointed..

it comes to the point where i just need someone to talk to and be away from the rest of the world.

i'm glad that someone was there for me tho. a special friend who's been close to my heart. whose days were worse than mine but now she's stronger than ever. the only way to redeem myself from this sorrow is to let out all the sadness from within myself. gave her the chance to talk about herself first and how proud i am when i heard about how successful her life has become. she's now surrounded with good people, looking bright, and loved by her friends and family, she looks different in a much better way than before. 

i'm happy for her, really. 

so happy that i felt bad talking about my pitiful life that's basically "looking fine" but not as it seems.. same thing goes to my other close friend whose life has improved so much better than before. i'm happy for them and glad to be part of the positive change. although i wonder why i don't face the same improvement..

now i'm here again.

feeling dazed and confused.

being sad over something that i shouldn't be..

am i being too nice..? or not good enough..?

was supposed to be having a good time but.. for the sake of others, i'd sacrifice my own happiness for them..

how i wish they'd notice my good intention instead of misunderstanding some silly assumptions.

but anyway, it's for their own good. they'd be so much happier with/without me after all (?) 🙂

yet, what hurts me the most is that the person i really trust broke our promise.. another trust was broken. i thought we're more than just close. i thought i could trust him, but seems like he's not much different from the others. it's hard to trust somebody when the one person you completely opened up to is the person who later betrayed you. nothing hurts more than being disappointed by the single person you thought would never hurt you.

now when i think about my existence right now, really tho, i just want to be no one.. 

i never wanted to be "someone" so that i wouldn't get involved in dramas or conflicts. 

but shit happened.. something that should be a secret was revealed which led to a situation where i got mocked the hell out by my own friend over some miscommunication and misunderstanding.

was disappointed by my own friends. even worse, got my trust broken.

though in the end, i'm the one who apologized with tears streaming down my face, cause i never thought i'd be treated this way by my own friends..

and it's completely unacceptable when someone underestimated such thing called depression. making fun of my sad blog posts. people who are close to me would know that the only way to release my negativity is to share it out of my mind. fine, even if there's no one to talk to, just by writing in my blog is enough already.

depression is no joke and no one should make fun of it nor take it as if it's not a big deal. i guess one would never know how serious it is till they suffer it themselves.

sigh..

here i am.

just like an old friend, depression greets me with opened arms. the demons got the best out of me once again..

after all those times when my tears wouldn't come out. now it all just burst out till my eyes went swollen.

instead of looking up for some positive/motivating messages, i looked for the depressing ones instead. strangely, it comforted me.

it's been quite a while, but.. welcome back, depression. 

thought it was over and long gone. but just when i thought that my life's about to get better, i'm sad again.

sad? of course i am sad.

i can't lie, i'd tell you if i'm not okay.

but i don't wanna be attention seeking for looking miserable all day long. so i just want to lock myself in my room. just like what i always do, isolating myself, being alone for a while and reflecting on stuffs. anyway it's for the sake of everyone too, cause i'm afraid that i may possibly make things even worse when i'm still unstable.

yeah.. that actually makes me feel kinda better, you know.. 

help, i have done it again

been here many times before

hurt myself again today

there's no one else to blame

and the worst part is

no one knows how much i cried

help, i have done it again..