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bla bla bla

so yesterday me and Vanessa had our monthly "visit" with our random photoshoot, the pictures are all pretty good, i'm soo in love with them thanks to vaness. unfortunately, the sd card turns out to be cracked on the corner so i couldn't do shit with it and my card is no longer detected in any devices. sigh this is much sadder than looking at my report card, and i'm still trying to fix it as it's only the case which is broken, wish me luck jajajaja. anyway this picture makes me happy, okay bye.

alone ≠ lonely

I'm seriously getting sick of people scolding or pitying me for being alone. What's wrong for being alone?

I still remember when everyone was sitting in the auditorium before exam starts, while I came late and ended up clueless so I just sat on stage by myself trying to study Math. Then the teacher was asking me why I was alone, I told her that I was studying, and she's like "don't be like that". 

Okay.. 
Don't you think that sometimes studying alone can let you concentrate and focus more? That's not the worst until people started to approach me, saying, "damn it mel, why are sitting alone? You look so lonely by yourself so I'm just gonna accompany you here". 

Somehow it can be translated as "you look like a freaking loser / creep". 

Hey seriously, alone DOES NOT mean I'm lonely. 

Well, maybe this has been the biggest issue of my life. Since the incident that happened to me few years ago, I have been trying to limit and secure myself socially. Sounds stupid right? That's why I tell you that I'm just socially awkward. I always have hard time to communicate with people especially when they do not start the conversation first. 
So if it should be me all of the time, does it mean they are the socially awkward ones? 
No. Because they have their own friends and maybe they find me too awkward that they don't even know what to say. But sometimes I wonder how can they talk freely with the others but not me? Perhaps I'm just nobody to mostly everyone.

There are 3 kinds of people, people who know me, people who think they know me, and people who don't know me yet. Those who I meant are people who really know me as a friend, people who just know I exist in their life, and people who never talk with me (yet). These people will treat you differently for each. 

Let's say those who know me think that I'm crazy, weird, and fun, while those who 'just' know me think that I'm a loner, gloomy, anti-social, and those who don't - might not even care about me. 

It's not anyone's business yet it bothers me when people pity me like I'm a freaking loner who doesn't even have any friends. Really, it's just me who likes to be alone, spending some time quietly just to study or read stuffs. I think people know that I'm just the person who never really gives a fuck, is that a compliment? I should care more, supposedly. 

And of course I have friends, a lot. Not just people from my school, but also from my previous schools, overseas and even from SNS. To be honest, I really miss my old friends and how we can laugh our ass off at the stupid, non-sense little things. 

But lately, it's kinda hard to blend in when you're new and all you can meet is people hanging out in groups that you don't even know with which group to join. I'm not even offending anyone cause this is what's really happening. I suppose it would be easier if I came with other new people but then I came alone, what a stranger ikr.

Just because my instagram mostly containing my face instead of me with my friends, doesn't mean that I don't have any friends or never hang out. I don't really publish my social life in SNS like hanging out with my friends or family members, unless you don't mind if I post your pictures on my blog or instagram and usually they still complain to me.

So is this my own fault? Yeah, considering that I'm the one who choose to be alone, I can blame myself for that. Yet if I can blame anyone else, it would be the society itself. They judge you based on what they see even though they're not always right. 

Now let me tell you, whenever you see me hanging alone looking miserable, lonely or shit, I am completely fine with it. There are times when I would go and hang out with people but there are times when I just want to be alone doing my own thing. Everyone knows if I ever felt down, of course I would tell myself to look for some company and just have fun, it's logic. 

You choose what you want to do and who you want to be, not the society.

 26/Sep/2014 

"So this is my life.
And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad
and I'm still trying to figure out how could that be."

- Perks of Being a Wallflower

20 Facts About Me

Hello September!! 
Apologies for rarely posting any new posts.. I've been really stressed out by JC1 life, seriously sucks.

Anyways.. Since I'm tagged by some people to do the "20 Facts About Me", and idk why everyone's posting it all together today, so I guess I have to do this now?  Well, actually I already did this few months ago, but since it's not enough (?), I'll post another one hahaha.

20 Facts About Me :

1. crsn stands for Carshena
I'm a Christian Catholic, so I have my own baptist name which makes Carshena Melrose Burhan my full name. Carshena sounds pretty unknown and a such rare name, you might wanna google it (like I did lol)

2. Born in 14/May/1998 (Tiger year)
During the massive riot in Jakarta, one of Indonesia's worst incident, because of this my parents though of naming me "rusuhwati". My zodiac is Taurus, and my blood type is O.

3. I am an Introvert
Generally people think that I'm a socially awkward, shy, quiet person but I just enjoy being quiet and I love being alone as I don't really know how to start the conversation (unlike a lot of my extroverted friends). I would rather stay at home than hanging out or go to parties, I find it kind of wasting time, energy, and I'm just so lazy most of the time. Sometimes I just like to work and do things on my own.
It doesn't seem like it to a lot of people because I can actually be really loud and hyperactive when I'm with my close friends. I hate crowds btw.

4. I grew up as a "boy" - part time gamer
FYI, I have two older brothers so my life has been pretty much influenced by them such as watching wrestling TV shows (WWE, RAW) and playing video games. I found them more interesting than girls' stuffs so I enjoyed discovering lots of interesting stuffs from the boys. Even I know many of WWE and RAW wrestlers, male or female, their shows, and championships hahaha. My favourites back then were Torrie Wilson, and John Cena.

Regarding "part time gamer", I used to play with my nDS, PC, and PS2. I love to play RPG (mostly Japanese fantasy), zombie (everything) and fighting games in most of the console. My favourites are Pokemon (nDS), Mana Khemia, Tekken (PS),  Resident Evil, Left4Dead (1&2), Dead Rising 2, Dead Island (PC). I used to play online games like Audition, GunBound, and Ran online. Also sometimes I play otome games a.k.a virtual dating games, where I can have my own stories with hot animated guys hahahahaha.
There are more, but I don't remember everything as I stopped playing since grade 10 :(

5. I swear a lot
Every bad words can come out from my mouth and hands in any time, like fuck and shit.

6. Favourite food
I enjoy eating Japanese food, and steaks.
I love desserts, especially ice cream and cheesecake!! My favourite flavour is vanilla!
I'm a picky eater when it comes with vegetables.

7. I am a really bad texter
Basically your penpal or more like your worst person to text with. I can - not opening your message (but not ignoring) for weeks but I will still reply you eventually, except if your texts are not amusing.
Even though I'm like this, I seriously hate when people text me first yet ignore me afterwards.

8. Petite
I've been 153 cm for the past 3 years, and my weight is around 45-50 kg (assuming). I have short legs, with wide hips, fatty thighs, and the booty. My fats seem to be concentrated on my thighs. I'd get so jealous whenever I see girls with long and slim legs.

9. Pink is a part of me (since 1998)
90% of all the stuffs I ever owned must be pink, and my room is super pink-ish. But when it refers to clothing apparel, I like black and white.

10. I love watching horror, thriller, suspense movies
Anything that can trigger my adrenaline or excitement. Asian horror is the best. And please don't make me watch such romantic movies. I'll definitely choose The Conjuring over The Fault In Our Stars.

11. I had braces at some point of my life
I had two fangs clinging on my upper gum so I had to put on braces although it's only around 1 year because I thought my teeth are perfect already and braces look creepy. Now I regret it so much, my teeth look so weird and apparently I have two wisdom teeth which grow horizontally in my lower gum. Gonna do surgery someday later.. damn.

12. Phobia and fears
I have phobia of tall heights and fears of insects, reptiles, amphibians, basically all weird looking animals with scales, creepy eyes, and tongue. NOPE NOPE NOPE.

13. I want to travel and star gaze
One of my bucketlist is to travel the world with my loved ones (family, friends, Bae). I've been craving to watch the stars on the night sky ever since I can't do it in Jakarta. Someday I'd like to visit Korea, Japan, UK, and Greece.

14. I don't drink, smoke, and clubbing
seriously.. waste of time, money, energy, and they're not really good for your health (physically & mentally).

15. Terrible "searcher"
Whenever someone asked me to search for some particular stuff in a room, I failed and gave up most of the time (like 8 out of 10 times).

16. I'm a Japanese geek & K-Poper
I watch anime, read manga, and listen to K-Pop & J-Pop. My favourite mangaka is Yagami Chitose, and I love Doraemon, Crayon Shincan, Naruto, and many more! Used to be a Vocaloid holic and K-Pop lover. My fandom back then were ELF (SuJu) and SONE (SNSD), but now I'm just a regular fan. My bias in SuJu is Leeteuk, and SNSD is Taeyeon (I LOVE HER SO MUCH, I STILL LISTEN TO ALL HER SOLO SONGS). Additionally I was deeply in love with this actor and singer from TRAX whose name is Jay (called him Jay ahjussi and made fan fiction series featuring me and him bahahaha). Oh and my book shelfs in my room are filled with comic books and "How to learn Korean" books. I used to have Korean lesson but I quit because it was too difficult for me.

17. Least favourite subjects
In this whole world, I could never understand how to do Mathematics, especially when numbers combined with letters, like what the fuck is this?! Another subject I dislike is PE, yes I'm so freaking unfit, especially in running, I'd rather die. Most of the time I purposely skipped PE class. Though I like to play baseball.

18. Forever Disney child
I could never get bored about Disney stuffs. My favourite character from Disney is Stitch.

19. Bae calls me Snorlax
Because I'm a sleepyhead and super lazy, not to mention that I eat a lot. I can sleep thrice, up to 12+ hours a day. Some days I also feel lazy to take shower lol.

20. (No longer) Forever Alone
I was a forever alone despite being single for 16 years of my life. Told you that I've never been in a relationship (dating) before. In 16 years, I only have 3 crushes and none of them liked me back. Well, except for Bae which eventually became my boyfriend since 03/July/2014, after 1 year of struggles and our real-life Korean drama. You can even see some part of it in this blog, the sad posts hahaha. Sadly, we're in long distance relationship ever since the new academic year.. He's Korean, I'm only as tall as his chest and he's not handsome, but I love him so much kkk. 

The rest facts are featured in my old post, check it out here!!

Thanks for reading!

14/Sep/2014
"My favourite Pokemon is Eevee, and I always pick the water type as my starter."

Nothing's gonna change my world..