alone ≠ lonely

I'm seriously getting sick of people scolding or pitying me for being alone. What's wrong for being alone?

I still remember when everyone was sitting in the auditorium before exam starts, while I came late and ended up clueless so I just sat on stage by myself trying to study Math. Then the teacher was asking me why I was alone, I told her that I was studying, and she's like "don't be like that". 

Okay.. 
Don't you think that sometimes studying alone can let you concentrate and focus more? That's not the worst until people started to approach me, saying, "damn it mel, why are sitting alone? You look so lonely by yourself so I'm just gonna accompany you here". 

Somehow it can be translated as "you look like a freaking loser / creep". 

Hey seriously, alone DOES NOT mean I'm lonely. 

Well, maybe this has been the biggest issue of my life. Since the incident that happened to me few years ago, I have been trying to limit and secure myself socially. Sounds stupid right? That's why I tell you that I'm just socially awkward. I always have hard time to communicate with people especially when they do not start the conversation first. 
So if it should be me all of the time, does it mean they are the socially awkward ones? 
No. Because they have their own friends and maybe they find me too awkward that they don't even know what to say. But sometimes I wonder how can they talk freely with the others but not me? Perhaps I'm just nobody to mostly everyone.

There are 3 kinds of people, people who know me, people who think they know me, and people who don't know me yet. Those who I meant are people who really know me as a friend, people who just know I exist in their life, and people who never talk with me (yet). These people will treat you differently for each. 

Let's say those who know me think that I'm crazy, weird, and fun, while those who 'just' know me think that I'm a loner, gloomy, anti-social, and those who don't - might not even care about me. 

It's not anyone's business yet it bothers me when people pity me like I'm a freaking loner who doesn't even have any friends. Really, it's just me who likes to be alone, spending some time quietly just to study or read stuffs. I think people know that I'm just the person who never really gives a fuck, is that a compliment? I should care more, supposedly. 

And of course I have friends, a lot. Not just people from my school, but also from my previous schools, overseas and even from SNS. To be honest, I really miss my old friends and how we can laugh our ass off at the stupid, non-sense little things. 

But lately, it's kinda hard to blend in when you're new and all you can meet is people hanging out in groups that you don't even know with which group to join. I'm not even offending anyone cause this is what's really happening. I suppose it would be easier if I came with other new people but then I came alone, what a stranger ikr.

Just because my instagram mostly containing my face instead of me with my friends, doesn't mean that I don't have any friends or never hang out. I don't really publish my social life in SNS like hanging out with my friends or family members, unless you don't mind if I post your pictures on my blog or instagram and usually they still complain to me.

So is this my own fault? Yeah, considering that I'm the one who choose to be alone, I can blame myself for that. Yet if I can blame anyone else, it would be the society itself. They judge you based on what they see even though they're not always right. 

Now let me tell you, whenever you see me hanging alone looking miserable, lonely or shit, I am completely fine with it. There are times when I would go and hang out with people but there are times when I just want to be alone doing my own thing. Everyone knows if I ever felt down, of course I would tell myself to look for some company and just have fun, it's logic. 

You choose what you want to do and who you want to be, not the society.

 26/Sep/2014 

"So this is my life.
And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad
and I'm still trying to figure out how could that be."

- Perks of Being a Wallflower