Untitled

I'm not gonna write this as in my diary, because I write this to you. Don't worry, nobody knows who you are, just like only us who know our unknown relationship. I don't care if you read this long ass post or not, but I just want you to know how much I don't wanna lose you. 

I'm that kind of girl who rarely falls in love yet it's gonna be the hardest thing for me to move on and get over whoever that guy I fell in love with. Am I considered loyal? I think so, too loyal that in the end I'd always end up being hurt and alone.

I've been loving you for one year, and been treating you as a stranger for nearly 6 months, means I was forced to forget us and move on. But everytime I see you, my heart breaks a little. And it's even more hurting when someone asked, "Do you still think of him?" "Everyday". Although I don't wanna look attention seeking, so I kept it all inside. Since then I never made eye-contact or communication with him. I didn't expect that you're going to say "happy birthday to me", but you did, and I'm glad that he still remembers me.

Now I'm bursting. Not because it's the end of school, but because all of sudden you said that you are leaving. You said you're not gonna leave any time soon. It doesn't matter if I couldn't talk to you at school, at least I can see you live and that's enough to make me happy.

Goodbyes hurt when the story is not finished and the book has been closed.
I was merely a line in yours, but you're the whole chapter in mine.

They didn't have a "normal" relationship,
they teased each other,
they play hit each other,
they called each other names,
but underneath that
anyone could see how much they cared
because if you listened closely
to every joking "shut up"
there was an "I love you" inside it.

You meet someone.
You two get close.
It's all great for a while.
Then someone stops trying.
Talk less. Awkward conversations.
The drifting. No communication whatsoever.
Memories start to fade.
Then that person you know becomes that person you knew.
That's how it usually goes, right?
Sad isn't it..

Truth is, I miss you.

All the time, every second, every minute, every hour, every day.

I started missing you as soon as we said goodbye.

I miss you as soon as I wake up. I miss you when I'm about to sleep.

I wish you're always here next to me.

I still miss you, I really hate that.

I wanna write "I miss you" on a rock and throw it at your face so you know how much it hurts to miss you. It doesn't hurt anymore, but I miss the days we spent together, only you and me.

I don't know where I stand with him. I don't know what I mean to him.

All I know is that every time I think of him, all I wanna do is to be with him.

The moment that you left me, my heart was split in two. One side was filled with memories, the other side died with you. I often lay awake at night when the world is fast asleep, and take a walk down memory lane with tears upon my cheek. Remembering you is easy, I do it everyday, but missing you is a heartache that never goes away. I hold you tightly within my heart and there you will remain. You see life has gone on without you, but will never be the same.

You treated me kind of shitty, you know. And I would have never done that to you ... because I loved you. I guess I just thought you loved me too. You may not be pushing me away, but you're not fighting to keep me either.

I'm not angry that you won't come back, I'm sad because I keep hoping you will.

When I don't text you, it means I'm waiting for you to miss me.

I might have erased your texts, but I will never forget what you wrote. We might have stopped talking, but I will never forget your voice. We might have stopped hugging, but I will never forget how you smell. Anything we did, I will never forget.

Do you remember when we were hiding in my class when everyone else's outside?
Do you remember when we were walking side by side on our way to your house?
Do you remember when you would always sat next to me and teased me all day long?
Do you remember when we were watching horror movies and you laughed at my face?
Do you remember when you walked next to me on the way to my car saying "I feel have to accompany you"?
Do you remember when the school was empty, I was waiting at the gate, alone nearly bursted in tears, then you came from nowhere standing next to me?
I don't know about you, but I remember it all.

You can erase someone from your mind, getting them out of your heart is another story. My memory loves you; it asks about you all the time. I had planned to say all these terrible things to you, but in the end, I just want to tell you, "I miss you."
Now I figured that missing someone is your heart's way of reminding you that you love them.

I always think of you before I fall asleep. The words you said. The things we laughed about, the silent moments we shared. They say when you dream of someone that person misses you. I wonder if he has dreams of me, because I sure miss him.

After 6 moths since the last time you've called, last night might be our last call. You thought I was laughing, but actually, I cried enough before I called you. I begged for you to stay because I'm not ready to lose you. You are someone important to me, and no one else could make me feel happy like all the things you did. If I could do anything to make you stay, you told me to see you once again to slap your fucking face. Or for me to cut my hair short, I would do it if you stay by my side as long as we could. You said a cup of coffee would change your decision? Silly boy.

You told me not to cry because it would make you even sadder. You said you would not let it happen, and promised to make me laugh. I did laugh like an idiot when I actually wanted to cry even more. So if it was really our last call, I have said everything that I've been holding for 1 year, that "I love you, and I will miss you so much". It won't be our last, he said.

I told him to sleep right away, because I'm gonna buy a cup of coffee and meet him in our dream. "I'm looking forward to it" " But if I came late, sorry I must be crying first after this". So I ran away in my sleep, and the only thing I could remember is where I sat right beside him, in my dream.

I think we should dream, so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other dreams, we can be together all the time. For now, I promise to dream of you every night, and from this day until all days have ended, I promise to always speak to you before I sleep, no matter if your ears are there to hear the words. No matter how long it has been, or how badly you've treated me, if you say "I love you", I will say it right back.



15/Jun/2014
"Goodbyes are not forever,
Good byes are not the end,
They simply mean,
I'll miss you, until we meet again :)"