Dear Diary : Unspoken Truth

Dear diary, 

Let me tell you about my story,

I know it's rather sad,

but that's the way I feel..

...

"You see that girl? She looks so happy, right? Telling jokes, smiling, having a great time and... Dying inside. She's hurt and tired. Tired of all the drama, tired of not being good enough, tired of life. But she doesn't want to look dramatic, weak and attention seeking. So she keeps it all inside. Acts like everything's perfect but cries at night. So everybody thinks that she's the happiest person they know. That she has no problems and her life is perfect. If only they knew the truth...

She's all broken inside, 

but no one will ever notice."

. . .

It all started with a little game, countless dreams, a trust, and hope.

" I heard you're a player. 

So let's play a game.

Let's sweet talk, 
Let's talk 24/7, 
Let's tell each other good morning and good night everyday, 
Let's take walks together, 
Let's give each other nicknames, 
Let's hang out with each other's friends, 
Let's go on dates, 
Let's talk on the phone all night long, 
Let's hold each other, 
Let's kiss and hug.

And whoever falls in love first?
Loses."

I knew he wanted to play around, so I followed along his game. I imagined if I could be that girl who can change him. I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did. And he said he won't hurt me, but he did. I guess I had fallen in my own trap. In the end, I'm just the other girl.

Heart break.

Everyone at some point in their life is going to experience it. You know what? It's probably one of the most painful things a person has to go through. I'm not going to lie. When you get your heart broken, it feels like it shattered into a million pieces. It's like the person you were head over heels for stomped mercilessly on your heart. It feels like your heart is being shredded to pieces, cut up, and thrown in the trash, left to rot. It hurts a lot, emotionally and physically. Getting heart broken actually makes your heart physically hurt.

You cry and cry and wish it wasn't like this. You wish it was just a temporary nightmare. But, the sad truth?

It's not. It's reality. And you're going to just have accept it, the pain and all.

. . .

He's confusing.

He says things that make me believe that he does like me, but then he says something else and it makes me think that I'm a girl that he never thinks about.

That awkward moment when you think you're important to someone and you're not..

I actually thought he won't hurt me.

I thought I could trust him.

"I listened to all your lies, bullshit, and sweet talking. 

I trusted you. I gave you my all and you just let me down.

Perhaps you're happy now."

In the end, I don't think I ever really loved him, I think I was just in love with the lies of him.

. . .

Love did make me blind. 

People warned me to stay away from him from the start. My brain warned me to stay away, but my heart just ignored recklessly. I didn't care what people say, I followed my heart. Until I got too attached, I love him so much that I would do anything for him. When I'm with him, I don't care about anything else. Meanwhile at the same time, I didn't realize it made others' feelings hurt. People lose trust on me, the time I felt the happiest with him was also the time someone cried. 

The moment when I love him the most was the moment where I should have stopped my feelings which I must back off and stay away. But it was too late, too sudden to get rid of the love I've built. In the end I'm the one who got hurt alone, with my own heart.

How can I move on when I'm still in love with him?

He's not easy to forget as I saw him everyday, he kept appearing around me as he was seeking for attention while I was struggling to ignore his existence. Somehow he gave me signs that he didn't want to let me go easily. I waited for something but ended with nothing. Eventually I realized, if he wanted to do something, then he would. 

I could never understand what's his real intention on me, is it just friendship, is it for lust, or is it about feelings?

I hate myself for being so stupid. For nearly losing my self respect, for interrupting their relationship, waiting for things that will never happen, and for expecting too much.

However, being upset over that would 't make any sense. I'm the one who gave him permission. I never rejected in the first place, right?

I'm mad at myself, not him.

I'm mad for always being nice, always apologizing for things I didn't do, for getting attached, for making him my life, depending on him, wasting my time on him, thinking about him, forgiving him, wishing for him, dreaming of him, trusting him..

But most of all, for not hating him, which I know I should...

But I just can't..

. . .

"I don't hate you, I never did. I'm just disappointed you did everything you said you would never do.

I'm not actually mad at you, I just want you to care.

The reason I don't talk to you anymore is because I keep telling myself that if you wanted to speak to me, you would.

Just because we don't talk, doesn't mean I don't think about you. I'm just trying to distance myself because I know I can't have you."

. . .

Through the saddest moment, he might knew how I feel, yet I could never know what he feels..

I was always there when he needs me, but he's not when I need him most of the time.

I am not worth it, aren't I?

Why do I love someone who doesn't love me in return?

Why do I cry over someone who doesn't even care?

Why do I always think about him, if he never thought about me?

Why do I always wait for him, if he have never waited for me?

Why do I see him, but he doesn't see me?

Tell me why..

Every time I fell in love, I always end up breaking my heart.

What did I do wrong?

Why aren't I good enough for him..?

 . . .

"I'm sorry I constantly want to talk to you. 

I'm sorry when you take long to reply, I get sad. 

I'm sorry if I say things that might piss you off.

I'm sorry if I come of as annoying. 

I'm sorry if you don't wanna talk to me as much as I wanna talk to you. 

I'm sorry if I think about you too much and too often. 

I'm sorry if I say things I don't really mean. 

I'm sorry if I tell you about my pointless drama when you don't really care. 

I'm sorry if I come off as being clingy, but it's just me missing you."

Then my heart said, "Enough is enough."

I'm not even upset, or angry anymore. I'm just tired, I'm tired of putting more effort than what I receive. I'm tired of being played, I'm tired of believing all his lies, I got hurt every time I know the truth. I'm tired of getting my hopes up for things that I know will never happen. I'm tired of getting my hopes up and being disappointed again. Feels like I've been waiting for nothing. I've had enough. 

I'm sick getting considered as the villain who bothers someone else's relationship. Actually I felt bad for her. I just want her to be happy. He likes her, and I know she deserves his love more than I do. Of course, I want him to be happy in the way he should be, so does everyone else.

All I want is for everything in the right place so everyone is happy, even when that means if I have to leave, then I will.

But don't give me uncertain signs, he makes me confused either to leave or wait.

I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings any longer. I don't want her to cry, I don't want him getting all the blame, I don't want to lose my self respect only for lies.

It's better to break my own heart by leaving, rather than having that person breaks my heart everyday I'm with him, as the other girl.

Sometimes, people choose to leave not because of selfish reasons. But they just know that things will get worse if they stay. They leave, because it maybe better for others.

. . .

Now I'm still trying my best to move on. I need to cut contacts, and even telling him to stay away from me. It will be hard, yet that's the best I can do to make everything okay again. 

It makes me sad, but at least they could fairly enjoy their relationship again, and I'll be glad. Sometimes, I did feel jealous though that's the decision I chose afterall. Doesn't mean that I didn't really love him, but that's because I still care.

I have to accept that maybe he's not meant to be with me,
he's just a lesson for me.

How about me? 

I keep myself busy with things to do, but every time I pause, I still think of him.

It's hard ignoring the past when it holds the best memories.

A broken heart hurts, but it's the memories that kill me because I can't seem to block them out of my mind.

And it only hurts more when I start pretending it doesn't.

It's not the Goodbye that hurts,

but the Flashback that follow.

The worst part? 

He broke my heart yet I still love him with all the broken pieces.

It hurts, 

but it's okay..

Maybe I'll get used to it.

Well, at least they're back together & happy,

where he should stay only for her,

just like when I haven't existed.

Now it's back to the way we started. 

Wait..

We still can be friends, right?

Perhaps I just need some time to get past these "special" feelings first.

21/Feb/2014

"I better got hurt with the TRUTH than comforted with a LIE.

The truth may hurt for a while, but a lie hurts forever."