A Letter for That Special Someone: The Best of Both Worlds

i was sad, he was sad, i am sad.. still..

yes you're right, i have made such a bitch move throwing shades at you. but just like you, how can i keep things that have been bothering me within myself. you didn't even respond to my texts anymore and now i have no one to share with about my thoughts. so just like the olden days, i am writing to express my feelings and thoughts.

i didn't intentionally mean to roast someone but good thing that you noticed without me having to tell you directly. and finally you responded. what a great response i would say. i really appreciate your explanation and clarifications regarding stuffs that i probably misunderstood. as i finished reading your messages, i choose not to reply. why? because i don't want to make any problems with you, we have ended a few months ago so what's the use of arguing some more. i hardly trust you anymore, and probably so are you. yet, i still want to stay in good terms with you.

oh well, i loved you and i know you loved me more, maybe. but sometimes no matter how good you are, it all can't change my perspective when there is too much negativity going on. this goes the same with trust, once a trust is broken, you can't really gain it back 100%.

now, let's stop blaming one another. i will take responsibility for my faults and i don't expect you to do the same - as long as you maintain this situation maturely. i am not perfect, not even close. i make mistakes and stupid decisions. i may not be the innocent good girl you have always imagined but one thing i want to clarify (from my side), i have always loved you and not even once i hook up with another guy even while i was still with you.

i gotta say that i'm not as good as you think and i'm no longer that nice. making up is probably not the best option that we have right now. i'm sure you don't want also. i guess we can no longer make each other happy like before and we know that we deserve someone much better. what's the use of having a relationship when it's filled with worries, fears, loneliness, jealousy and no trust. sure we had abundance of happy and loving moments but to be very honest, i had more sadness compared to that. and it's not completely your fault. my insecurities played a major part in that too.

you may believe me or not. it's really up to you whether you choose to listen to me or someone else. truth is, i still love you. no matter how many times the words "i don't love him anymore" came out of my mouth, my heart still held on to the same old feeling. but i have no idea who said that i didn't love you for real cause even my friends know that i still love you, they said it's quite obvious and people can see it. well, your shirts, perfume, and the flowers that you gave me are still in my room until now. i even wear your shirt whenever i couldn't sleep. it's a nice pajama i admit haha

anyway, you may think that i'm such a bitch (i admit that what i wrote few days ago is kind of a bitch move). yet, i really wanna stay in good terms with you. doesn't matter if we can't meet anymore or whatever. yes, we probably look at each other with different mindsets now but one thing for sure is that all the good times that we had, they're legitimately real. well, at least that's what i felt. i don't want you to think that i'm trying to get rid of you in a harsh way, so i'm trying to say this in the most mature way possible.

you're correct though, i have no rights to say that you're an asshole.. therefore, i want to thank you for being there to listen my rants, accept my flaws, understand my dark sides, when you tried to cheer me up during my lowest days and for loving me for who i am.

so.. i wish you a happy, better life. even though we can no longer be together, but i always wish you all the best. i still love you, i always do because you're really someone special in my life. i apologize for whatever things i did that hurt you. i don't want to make you sad or upset anymore so do what makes you happy. meanwhile i'm going to get myself back together again.

PS: some people may wonder why am i still keeping our pictures together in my instagram. oh well, just to let you people know that whenever you try to delete something, it doesn't really disappear from existence because memories are permanent. even though i want to delete everything, no matter what, the memories remain forever. i'm proud to say that you were once part of my life, we had our own story but perhaps this is the end.. or to be continued, maybe? but certainly not now haha

btw, you don't have to respond to this one but i hope you can understand what i'm trying to tell you and that my intentions are good :)

-with love, Melmel.

21/May/2016

Moving On

i didn't even intend to post anything on my blog now but yeah i just can't hold the urge to write right now haha at least i'm updating this poor blog.

so i was just scrolling through my ask.fm after leaving that site for months now. and of course other than questions from anonymous who asked me to post a picture of my armpit, there was another shocking thing that i saw.. after months of cutting contact with each other, just now he appeared on my timeline out of nowhere from someone else's account. not really surprised looking at him taking picture with another girl, partying in club and smoking and shit (not literally ya hahaha ew). okay, not a really big deal since i have moved on fyi.

oh right, for those who don't know about it yet, i was in a long-distance-relationship with this guy for more than 1 year then shit happened (a lot of times actually lol) and i just couldn't stand it anymore so we broke up sometime around this early 2016.

to be very honest, i might sound like i'm making a fuss about it right now but really, it's all like what i expected. he's 'that' kind of guy and i'm glad that i'm no longer with him cause i really felt like i was too innocent and blinded by love until i got fooled so easily. i was dumb enough to believe everything he told me, like "i'll be a good boy just for you" that means no smoking, drinking, flirting, whatever. but meh, as i grow older, i soon realized how naive i was.

have you ever heard the saying "good girls are just bad girls who are not caught". yep, i can relate to that and people say relationship is based on trust. yea, i can relate to that too. so the thing that probably kept us together that long was trust and how good we were at hiding things. as you know we were in two different places in two different time zones. anything can happen and neither of us won't even know what kind of shitty things we do behind each others' backs.

oh well, like i said before, i'm not so surprised anymore, it's all expected.

now i just have to make sure not to get myself blinded and fooled by such 'bad-but-good-but-bad' guys so easily. i deserve someone much better and this goes the same to all of you who probably have experienced that kind of situation: love yourself more and don't ever let anyone takes you for granted.

and for you, i have lost faith in you. i might still love you, probably. but i gotta love myself and respect myself more over someone like you. this is probably one of the best decisions i have made in my life.. so.. i am moving on and i choose not to go back again.

thanks for everything tho. you've made me a stronger and wiser lady.

PS: now that i know you're such a real asshole, let me confess my (brutally) honest thoughts about you. the only thing attractive from you is probably just your physique (excluding your face). you used to look quite fine with that old hairstyle of yours, yea i really like it. but now that you've changed your hairstyle. your hair looks shit, what a major turn off. that's actually a great way to help me move on faster. LOL i'm gonna chuckle on this one.

"courage, dear heart"
19/May/2016