April has been a tough month for me.. some people who know me personally would know that i'm having quite a hard time nowadays due to several problems..
April 14th 2016, one of the days in which i went through mental and emotional breakdown. did i mention "one of the days"? yeah right, i've been having hard times dealing with myself, trying to survive and live each day from multiple problems that i have to face. i think i did write about my issue regarding this, that most of the time i might look fine and happy but you'll never know if i'm actually just struggling to stay strong when in fact, i'm not fine at all. day by day, problems come and go, some are really serious, some are small but i tend to exaggerate. well, what can i say.. i'm actually very sensitive and emotional, it's just that i don't want to show it off to people and act like a crybaby.
basically, as the Ujian Nasional ended, just like most indonesian students right now, we are preparing for the entrance test to enroll to some of the public universities. however, unlike those who are having their freedom of school, i still have to finish my GAC international program which ends in June. obviously, while continuing my international curriculum, i also need to intensively prepare for the test in early June. with that being said, from April 18th, my bimbel schedule (tutor lesson) will become 6 days a week from Monday to Saturday from 4.30 - 8 PM (before it was only Friday & Saturday). do note that i still have to go to school from 7AM until 3PM, not to mention the number of assignments (presentations, reports, essays, tests) that i need to submit. just imagine how hectic my schedule will be for a month. i barely have enough time to take a shower, have dinner, do my homework and rest. plus, you know that i'm such a sleepyhead (i take power naps everyday after school for 30mins) so with my naps taken away, i need to get enough sleep of at least 6 hours. usually i would sleep by 11PM the latest cause i have to wake up at 5AM every morning.
oh right, let's talk about the date which i mentioned above..
it was a normal Thursday, the sky was bright and the sun gave us warm rays of light.. some students were having their exams while as always my class would have a pile of assignments to do. we did our classes, worked on our reports and my squad and i shared food during break time. yea, it was just another day at school.. until something happened..
(not gonna talk about much details here ok) a sudden announcement came out that the whole class will have to take the ACT examination on June 11 which is my graduation day. although it's actually not compulsary, the school wants us to still take the opportunity considering that there is no fee charged. they said that it doesn't really matter whether you're going to pass or fail as what matters is the experience and certificate. yet, in my case, if my scores look bad then my parents are going to blame and question me. well, i guess you know about my situation now that i mentioned it before. so, i said that i might not take the ACT because i don't necessarily need it anyway since i will do my university in Indonesia. besides, i don't have enough time to prepare for it - i barely have enough time to finish my assignments on time. but then, they were kind of persuading and forcing me in a soft way so that i have no right to oppose their suggestions. there it goes.. i could do nothing other than nodding my head for whatever they said while staring at my desk blankly.
my switch was flipped and my-so-called-bipolar came out as i shut down with a bitch face on all of sudden. for the next 2 hours, with 2 different teachers, they both were asking the same thing "what happened to you?" not only them, my friends were looking worried and asking if i was okay. but at that time, i didn't respond to anyone and just continued doing my report without saying a word. then during lunch break, i went to the counseling room to talk about my problems - at least that's the only thing i could do to relieve my stress. 30 minutes was not enough and i stayed there for another 10 minutes after the bell rang. until, i sensed that some teachers were probably looking for me around the school and they told me to go back to class and continue with my lesson. that's when i broke down in tears..
i came back to class and as soon as i sat down, i couldn't lift my head and tears started falling down my eyes. i cried silently cause i didn't wanna make such drama since everyone was seriously working on their science report. tears dripping down one by one from my eyes to my chin and dropped on my shirt and phone screen that i was holding.. i didn't realize that i cried so much until my nose was stuffed with all the mucus slime and i had to wipe it off with my hand (ew gross, i know). no one seemed to care, everyone just continued with their own work but i didn't really mind that, cause i never wanted to be such an attention seeker. i stayed still for literally 1 hour and 30 minutes, blank stare, head's down, no movement other than my nails scratching off the skin of my hands. at one point, i probably creeped the hell out of my classmates and teachers.
so where's the problem? where did it go wrong?
i guess some people might not see any problem there, or probably some do but they think that it's not something to be upset about. well, for some reason, it is quite a huge deal for me..
it has not happened yet, but here are some of the worst case scenarios that could possibly happen to me in a range of one month.
first of all, people expect much from me, most people see me as a bright student with decent grades. consequently, i have to do well in my studies and keep up with my academic performance. the next thing is, my parents demand me to make them proud with "-perfect scores" and to get accepted by University of Indonesia. here's when i feel that all the pressure is on me.
if you notice, things are clashing here and there. with my super hectic schedule, i would be having hard times to manage my time for both GAC and uni prep (not to mention that they are completely different curriculums: Australian and Indonesian smh). in this case, GAC is more into assignments while the uni prep will involve a lot of practice paper and memorizing stuffs. with only a few hours of break in-between, imagine how am i gonna deal with two completely different things and manage to ace in both.. i know it's possible, but it's surely not easy.
the best thing i can do now is to focus on my current priority which is the uni prep (it matters more cause since i will be having my UN results, honestly i'm not gonna use the GAC certificate once i'm accepted in local universities). moreover, i was not familiar with the grade 10-12 national curriculum considering that i only get to learn it since last August but thank god i managed to keep up with most of them.
the worst case that could happen for this:
i don't have enough time to work on my assessments, thus producing poor outcomes with my grades falling. teachers are going to chase me every time i'm late when it comes to submission and asking why are my performances decreasing (i was a top student) - then i have to explain the same story to every one of the teachers about my situation. oh and of course my parents are going to question me the same thing + possible complaints.
or, if i focus more on my GAC + ACT then i might not be able to perform maximally for my uni prep. hence, if i'm not accepted by University of Indonesia, my parents will question me again. although, it is more understandable that getting into UI is like counting on luck. yet, i know that if i really put my effort and do my best then of course there is a high chance of getting accepted.
or, if i do half-half on both then my GAC scores will be screwed and i also fail big time for that UI entrance test.
another thing is that.. no one seemed to understand how much pressure that i'm going through.. i don't wanna disappoint anyone but it's also very hard on me to meet their expectations perfectly.
secondly, some people know me as an introvert some people know me as an extrovert. in this case, i'm not really that close with my family and to be very honest, i don't have any close relationship with my family members (parents nor siblings). it's quite hard for me cause i'm not able to share my stories or feelings to them because most of the time they are just going to scold me or do some preaching which are not constructing at all. i be like, "why should i tell them when they're just going to scold me anyway..". in addition, back in high school i indirectly suffered from bullying and there were times that i felt like i didn't have anyone that i could count on.. this has been going on since i was in secondary and that's when i started to develop my depression and bipolar issues.
i'm a very sensitive and emotional person. for instance, such things that hurt my feelings/are against my will/offend me can change my whole mood or impression towards you. once it gets really bad, i can literally think of hurting someone, wishing ill towards others and at times, suicidal. i'm not even kidding, cause i attempted suicide a few times when i was younger. the latest attempt i could remember was last year when i tried to strangle myself by wrapping cables around my neck, i did suffocate, i could feel the veins on my neck pumping really hard then i stopped everything. a proof of this is a writing on my wall which i wrote with a marker on that day - saying "I AM NOT THAT STUPID OKAY", although i tried to erase it with nail polish remover, the stains are still there.
when i'm in my depression state, i can do crazy stupid stuffs without even thinking twice. i can literally hurt people physically (never happened - i can, but i try my best not to) or verbally (which i do most of the time). either by cursing, trash talk, insults, whatever shit stuffs you can think of can come out of my mouth or hands (texting) and this usually results in the relationship being ruined.
back then when i was younger, i couldn't hold myself most of the time which often left some people a "bad memory with Melrose". so as i grow older, i try to control my own emotions. although the bad thoughts and feelings are still there, i know that they are temporary, thus why should i do something stupid when that problem won't even matter later on. so instead of lashing out my anger frontally, the best thing i can do is just to stay away from people, be alone and try to reflect and calm myself down - this way i can reduce the risk of hurting others. usually i do this best by locking myself in my room, write down my thoughts or just take a long sleep. so please understand when i need my personal time, that includes me not verbally responding to anyone.
sometimes, talking with other people works as well. but now i notice that you can not trust just anyone. people might want to listen to your problems because either they really care or just curious. another fact is that everyone judges one another (both positively and negatively). most of the time, when i'm really having a hard time, i would talk to one or three of my good friends that i really trust. so please bear with me if i don't want to open up with my problems..
lastly, i tend to overthink a lot. i am a very pessimistic person at times. i think negatively towards things that are actually good for me but i care more about my ego and self-desires. then at the end of the day, i would feel guilty for being upset and blame myself for everything. every time i'm having "that" kind of bad day, this thought always comes up.
help, i have done it again
been here many times before
hurt myself again today
there's no one else to blame
and the worst part is
no one knows how much i cried
sigh.. i can't think of anything else for now. i guess i have written long enough about my gloomy thoughts today but, oh well.. just to let you know that even the happiest person can have their bad days. who knows if that one person who is full of smile and laughter you see at school goes home crying for the rest of the day. who knows if that one perfect someone can have many insecurities.
after reading this post, you would probably think that i'm such a psychopath or mentally disturbed, you might be scared or cautious the next time you're with me or you may think that i'm too much or self-claimed victim of depression but this is just the harsh truth of my life.. whether i/you like it or not, this is still me, and there's nothing much i can do about it for now other than staying strong and surround myself with more positivity.
anyway, special thanks to those who tried to cheer me up after what happened today.. your actions really mean a lot to me.. i appreciate your care and - trust me that deep inside of my most true self, all i want is for everyone to be happy and everything to be in the right place..
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| i love you cyncyn <3 |
